By Growing up, I always thought I knew who I would be.
As the eldest girl among my cousins, I felt like my family has expected me to set the example for the younger ones and blaze the trail. But, I guess, life has a funny way of turning our expectations upside down, doesn’t it?
I look around now, and I see the younger girls in the family living lives that seem straight out of a storybook. Some are now married, most are professionals, and they’ve got those shiny diplomas hanging on their walls.
And here I am, feeling like I’m stuck in some sort of limbo, watching the world move on without me. I haven’t graduated. I’m not a professional. I’m not married. I got pregnant at 22. It’s like life decided to throw me a curveball when I wasn’t even on the field.
Everyone else seems to have their lives all figured out, neatly packaged with a bow on top. Meanwhile, I’m still trying to find the box, let alone wrap it. I feel useless, directionless, like a ship lost at sea without a compass.
You know, I grew up as a “church kid.” My father’s a pastor, and we’ve moved around so much I lost count. Hundreds of times, we packed up our lives and started over in a new place. I sacrificed my childhood, my education, and my relationships—all in the name of serving God. I even had to work because my parents couldn’t afford to send me to school. And now? It feels like a cruel joke.
I can’t help but wonder—does serving God really mean anything? I mean, I’m the definition of a “God girl,” right? I followed my parents’ lead, even when it was hard. Sure, I rebelled a little as a teenager, but isn’t that just part of growing up?
Despite all that, I feel… cursed.
Why?
Why does it feel like I’m alone in this struggle, trying to piece together some semblance of a life while God has turned His back on me?
It seems like everyone else’s dreams are coming true, their blessings raining down like confetti. And all I got was pain. All I got was loneliness and this gnawing feeling of inadequacy that eats away at me day and night.
I don’t have the answers. I wish I did.
But right now, all I have are questions and this ache in my heart.
I’m trying to hold onto hope, to believe that my story isn’t over yet. But some days, it’s so hard to see past the pain and disappointment.
As I sit here, pouring my heart out, I can’t bring myself to see a silver lining. The weight of disappointment and failure is crushing, and no amount of positive thinking seems capable of lifting it.
I’ve spent years trying to convince myself that everything happens for a reason, that God has a plan. But right now, that feels like nothing more than a hollow platitude.
The truth is, I’m angry. I’m hurt. I feel betrayed by the very faith that was supposed to guide and protect me. All those years of service, all those sacrifices – for what? To end up here, feeling more lost and alone than ever?
I don’t have any uplifting words of wisdom to offer. No reassurances that things will get better or that this is all part of some grand divine plan.
Because right now, I don’t believe that.
Right now, all I can see is the unfairness of it all, the seemingly random cruelty of a life that rewards some while leaving others behind.
To anyone else feeling this way – I see you.
I understand the pain of watching others succeed while you struggle.
The frustration of unanswered prayers and unfulfilled promises. The gut-wrenching feeling that maybe, just maybe, we’ve been fooling ourselves all along.
I don’t know what comes next. I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away.
But for now, I’m allowing myself to sit in this pain, to acknowledge it without trying to sugarcoat it.
Because sometimes, that’s all we can do – exist in the darkness and hope that someday, somehow, we’ll find our way out.
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